Requests: Asking in clear, doable, positive action language for what we want instead of what we don't want. ex: “Would you be willing to come back tonight at the time we’ve agreed?” vs
“Would you make sure not to be late again?”
By definition, when we make requests we are open to hearing a “no,” taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue.
MAKING REQUESTS Key distinctions: 1. request vs. demand 2. specific vs. vague 3. connection vs. action request
TEST: Is it Request or demand?
Is my intention to give the other person(s) an opportunity to contribute to my life, and to do so willingly?
To check this intention, think about how you might respond if you hear a “no” to your request. If you are willing to hear a “no”, and to continue the dialogue in NVC spirit, then it is a request. This does not mean there might not be some pain involved in hearing a “no”, but rather the willingness to communicate that and continue connecting until everyone’s needs are met.
Characteristics of requests:
Present time (vs. future action) Concrete andspecific (vs. vague or general) Positive action language (vs. negative - a “do” vs. a “don’t”) Doable (vs. abstract or asking for an attitude or intention)
In non violent dialogue, it is important to establish connection before we ask the other person for the solution that we would like. Connection in this sense means an understanding on the part of all parties of their own feelings and needs as well as the feelings and needs of the other/s involved.
Until that connection is established, any solutions, agreements orstrategies are unlikely to be freely given and therefore generally will not hold. Therefore, in the first few cycles of an non violent dialogue it is most important to use what we call connecting requests.
Do you have a deep enough quality of connection to support the request you are making? Connection before solution!!!
Connection Request to be understood a. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say? (Was my message received and understood in the wayl intended it?) b. Would you be willing to listen to my experience (my feelings and needs)?
Connection Request to understand the other a. Would you be willing to tell me how you feel when you hear me say this? (To connect with the feelings and needs of the other/s in that moment) b. Would you be willing to helpme understand what happened here? c. Would you be tellme what would help you feel confident that I understand? d. Would you be willing to tell me what you need in order to agree to myrequest? e. Would you tell me what you wished would have happened differently? Action Requests (also referred to as strategies orsolutions) a. Would you be willing to brainstorm with me solutions that might work for the both of us? b. Would you be willing to (state specific action)?