Underlying Concepts of Compassionate Communication

Contribution, John Wiley, 2001 Concepts List

In case it might be of interest, here's a handout I prepared for a non-credit NVC college class in 2001. At that time I was interested in discovering implicit assumptions within the NVC process, and this list was my first attempt to combine those with major explicit concepts. Some items make general reference to a body of work or subject area, but not specific citations. I haven't reviewed this since then and it probably contains lots of irrelevant stuff, so feel free to delete it if not useful.

Underlying Concepts of Compassionate Communication

by John Wiley, 2001

A. All people are inherently compassionate, but most have been trained in ways that interfere with it.

Carl Rogers, altruism, heroism, transformational mediation

B. All people share a small set of core fundamental Needs.

Hierarchy of needs, interpersonal vs. intrapersonal priority of needs

C. Connection and self-actualization are fundamental human Needs, and both involve other people.

Philosophical and spiritual factors

D. Needs come into conflict when they are unclear to either party.

Any clarification of Needs is beneficial to the connection

E. We are all equal, as is the importance of our Needs.

Humanitarian principles

F. We are each responsible for the origins of our own Feelings.

Others can be no more than a stimulus for how we feel

G. We are each responsible for the expression and meeting of our own Needs.

Projection or transferrence of responsibility damages individuals and relationships

H. Problems arise from ineffective (tragic) strategies for expressing and meeting Needs.

Taking responsibility for meeting our own Needs is the first step in NVC

I. Communication is a process.

Clarity arises from dialog focused on building connection

J. The NVC process shifts attention from our thinking, to what's alive in our hearts.

Natural progression: Observations ð Feelings ð Needs ð Requests

K. NVC reframes our perceptions and behavior by placing focus on Feelings and Needs via questions.

Active Listening or paraphrasing is not NVC, questions vs. assumptions

L. Judgment, guilt, duty, blame and shame all lead to disconnection and violence between people.

Research on Shame/Rage spiral, benefits vs. costs of shame, high costs of coercion

M. Confusing our thoughts & strategies with Observations, Feelings and Needs leads to pain and conflict.

Thinking who is what, deciding what people deserve, strategies based on inequality

N. Changing strongly reinforced learned behavior requires considerable motivation, time and practice.

Alternative is conflict, violence and ultimately the end of civilization

O. "No" in response to an NVC Request is usually the most fruitful response.

No means the other person isn't coerced and we/they aren't clear on Needs

P. Words are not required for communication, thus Intention is key to effective NVC.

Nonverbal communication is pervasive & influential, Intention guides us & influences others

Q. All principles of NVC apply to interpersonal and intrapersonal communications.

Practicing first on self leads to compassion for others

R. NVC Empathy is a process of clarifying Feelings and Needs via NVC dialog.

Other forms of empathy may lead to conflict

S. Empathy is often required first for ourselves, before we have the capacity for giving it to others.

Clarity on own Feelings & Needs enables "giving from the heart"

T. People progress from focus on rules and authority, to rebellion and on to interdependence.

Harvey, submit or rebel vs. equality and abstraction

U. Language influences our perception and behavior.

"I feel that..." or "I feel you..." are not Feelings, words that imply blame or judgment

V. Vulnerability and appreciation are important in building connections between people.

Differences between praise and appreciation, importance of expressing our Feelings and Needs