Underlying Concepts of Compassionate Communication - Revision history

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==Contribution, John Wiley, 2001 Concepts List==
In case it might be of interest, here's a handout I prepared for a non-credit NVC college class in 2001. At that time I was interested in discovering implicit assumptions within the NVC process, and this list was my first attempt to combine those with major explicit concepts. Some items make general reference to a body of work or subject area, but not specific citations. I haven't reviewed this since then and it probably contains lots of irrelevant stuff, so feel free to delete it if not useful.

===[[Underlying Concepts of Compassionate Communication]]===
:by John Wiley, 2001

A. All people are inherently compassionate, but most have been trained in ways that interfere with it.
: Carl Rogers, altruism, heroism, transformational mediation

B. All people share a small set of core fundamental Needs.
: Hierarchy of needs, interpersonal vs. intrapersonal priority of needs

C. Connection and self-actualization are fundamental human Needs, and both involve other people.
: Philosophical and spiritual factors

D. Needs come into conflict when they are unclear to either party.
: Any clarification of Needs is beneficial to the connection

E. We are all equal, as is the importance of our Needs.
: Humanitarian principles

F. We are each responsible for the origins of our own Feelings.
: Others can be no more than a stimulus for how we feel

G. We are each responsible for the expression and meeting of our own Needs.
: Projection or transferrence of responsibility damages individuals and relationships

H. Problems arise from ineffective (tragic) strategies for expressing and meeting Needs.
: Taking responsibility for meeting our own Needs is the first step in NVC

I. Communication is a process.
: Clarity arises from dialog focused on building connection

J. The NVC process shifts attention from our thinking, to what's alive in our hearts.
: Natural progression: Observations Ã° Feelings Ã° Needs Ã° Requests

K. NVC reframes our perceptions and behavior by placing focus on Feelings and Needs via questions.
: Active Listening or paraphrasing is not NVC, questions vs. assumptions

L. Judgment, guilt, duty, blame and shame all lead to disconnection and violence between people.
: Research on Shame/Rage spiral, benefits vs. costs of shame, high costs of coercion

M. Confusing our thoughts & strategies with Observations, Feelings and Needs leads to pain and conflict.
: Thinking who is what, deciding what people deserve, strategies based on inequality

N. Changing strongly reinforced learned behavior requires considerable motivation, time and practice.
: Alternative is conflict, violence and ultimately the end of civilization

O. "No" in response to an NVC Request is usually the most fruitful response.
: No means the other person isn't coerced and we/they aren't clear on Needs

P. Words are not required for communication, thus Intention is key to effective NVC.
: Nonverbal communication is pervasive & influential, Intention guides us & influences others

Q. All principles of NVC apply to interpersonal and intrapersonal communications.
: Practicing first on self leads to compassion for others

R. NVC Empathy is a process of clarifying Feelings and Needs via NVC dialog.
: Other forms of empathy may lead to conflict

S. Empathy is often required first for ourselves, before we have the capacity for giving it to others.
: Clarity on own Feelings & Needs enables "giving from the heart"

T. People progress from focus on rules and authority, to rebellion and on to interdependence.
: Harvey, submit or rebel vs. equality and abstraction

U. Language influences our perception and behavior.
: "I feel that..." or "I feel you..." are not Feelings, words that imply blame or judgment

V. Vulnerability and appreciation are important in building connections between people.
: Differences between praise and appreciation, importance of expressing our Feelings and Needs

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
 ==Contribution, John Wiley, 2001 Concepts List==
 In case it might be of interest, here's a handout I prepared for a non-credit NVC college class in 2001. At that time I was interested in discovering implicit assumptions within the NVC process, and this list was my first attempt to combine those with major explicit concepts.  Some items make general reference to a body of work or subject area, but not specific citations.  I haven't reviewed this since then and it probably contains lots of irrelevant stuff, so feel free to delete it if not useful.
@@ Line 33: / Line 34: @@
 J. The NVC process shifts attention from our thinking, to what's alive in our hearts.
-:	Natural progression: Observations Ã° Feelings Ã° Needs Ã° Requests
+:	Natural progression: Observations Ã?Â° Feelings Ã?Â° Needs Ã?Â° Requests
 K. NVC reframes our perceptions and behavior by placing focus on Feelings and Needs via questions.
@@ Line 75: / Line 76: @@
 )	 Our basic nature is cooperative and compassionate.
   (References: Mary Clark, In Search of Human Nature, J. Heath
-  [from Marionâ€™s lecture on 11/3],  Field of Primatology â€“ bonabo chimps, Frances
+  [from MarionÃ¢â?¬â?¢s lecture on 11/3],  Field of Primatology Ã¢â?¬â?? bonabo chimps, Frances
   Collins - National Human Genome Institute - Language of God)
 )   Our desire to get our physical and psychological needs met is the basis for our
         actions.
-        (References: Key Differentiations â€“  NVC Trainer Certification Package,
+        (References: Key Differentiations Ã¢â?¬â??  NVC Trainer Certification Package,
-        Burton - Needs theory, Maslowâ€™s Hierarchy of Needs, Manfred
+        Burton - Needs theory, MaslowÃ¢â?¬â?¢s Hierarchy of Needs, Manfred
-        Neef â€“ needs-based economy, Ghandi
+        Neef Ã¢â?¬â?? needs-based economy, Ghandi
 )   Our emotions stem from our needs. When our needs are being met, we feel
@@ Line 88: / Line 89: @@
        emotions.
        (References:  Field of Nueroscience - Candace Pert - The Molecules of Emotion
-       The Budhha, Thichnaht Hahn - Active Budhism â€“ Creating True Peace,
+       The Budhha, Thichnaht Hahn - Active Budhism Ã¢â?¬â?? Creating True Peace,
        Field of Cognitive Neuroscience -  Michael Gazaniga - Split brain experiments,
        Coate & Roseti - The Power of Human Needs in World Society, Eisler, R.
-       Tomorrows Children, The Chalice in the Blade â€“ partnership education.
+       Tomorrows Children, The Chalice in the Blade Ã¢â?¬â?? partnership education.
 )	Anger is a combination of a feeling or feelings mixed with a judgment of blameworthiness of others.
-       (References: work around Carl Jungâ€™s work, Carl Rogers - A Way of Being)
+       (References: work around Carl JungÃ¢â?¬â?¢s work, Carl Rogers - A Way of Being)
 )	Attributing blameworthiness to others is likely to lead us to withhold
@@ Line 100: / Line 101: @@
        punishment against them.
-)	Verbal and nonverbal negative affect is usually perceived as incompetent communication behavior. We are more likely to be seen as a competent communicator (effective + appropriate) when we express our feelings, explain how those feelings are connected to our needs, and then make clear requests of the person we want to meet our need. Therefore, it is important to increase awareness of oneâ€™s feelings and needs which can be facilitated by developing a literacy (vocabulary) about feelings and needs.
+)	Verbal and nonverbal negative affect is usually perceived as incompetent communication behavior. We are more likely to be seen as a competent communicator (effective + appropriate) when we express our feelings, explain how those feelings are connected to our needs, and then make clear requests of the person we want to meet our need. Therefore, it is important to increase awareness of oneÃ¢â?¬â?¢s feelings and needs which can be facilitated by developing a literacy (vocabulary) about feelings and needs.
-(References: Daniel Goldman â€“ emotional flooding & physiological testing which might show that, + as we engage our neocortex, the physiology begins to change?
+(References: Daniel Goldman Ã¢â?¬â?? emotional flooding & physiological testing which might show that, + as we engage our neocortex, the physiology begins to change?
@@ Line 116: / Line 117: @@
-)	When people are able to understand one anotherâ€™s needs, compassion is likely to be stimulated, and then people are often motivated to help one another get needs met, even those needs which, at first, seem to be mutually exclusive or difficult to meet. On the other hand, when people hear criticisms or negative evaluations of their needs, they usually defend, reciprocate in kind, or distance themselves rather than try to meet the other personâ€™s needs.
+)	When people are able to understand one anotherÃ¢â?¬â?¢s needs, compassion is likely to be stimulated, and then people are often motivated to help one another get needs met, even those needs which, at first, seem to be mutually exclusive or difficult to meet. On the other hand, when people hear criticisms or negative evaluations of their needs, they usually defend, reciprocate in kind, or distance themselves rather than try to meet the other personÃ¢â?¬â?¢s needs.
 )   Once people are able to understand what others are needing, even long standing
        conflict is likely to end quickly.
-)  Evaluating othersâ€™ behavior either negatively or positively is an act of
+)  Evaluating othersÃ¢â?¬â?¢ behavior either negatively or positively is an act of
              dehumanization. When we do not ask others what is going on in them,
              but instead we evaluate their behavior according to our standards, we
@@ Line 140: / Line 141: @@
      creating a connection with another person engenders more cooperation,
      compassion, and understanding than communicating with the sole purpose of
-     getting oneâ€™s needs met. When people believe that our purpose for
+     getting oneÃ¢â?¬â?¢s needs met. When people believe that our purpose for
      communicating with them is solely to create a connection with them, and that
-     everyoneâ€™s needs matter, they are more likely to trust, disclose and cooperate,
+     everyoneÃ¢â?¬â?¢s needs matter, they are more likely to trust, disclose and cooperate,
              and our all of our needs are more likely to be met.
@@ Line 151: / Line 152: @@
 )  Moralistic judgments which evaluate actions or beliefs negatively (such as some
-              people are â€œbadâ€) can lead us to believe that it is acceptable to dehumanize
+              people are Ã¢â?¬Å?badÃ¢â?¬Â) can lead us to believe that it is acceptable to dehumanize
               others by punishing them verbally or physically.
 )  A concept of justice which includes the belief that people who are considered
-to be â€œbadâ€ deserve to be punished, and people who are considered to be
+to be Ã¢â?¬Å?badÃ¢â?¬Â deserve to be punished, and people who are considered to be
-â€œgoodâ€ deserve to be rewarded is a dehumanizing system of justice which
+Ã¢â?¬Å?goodÃ¢â?¬Â deserve to be rewarded is a dehumanizing system of justice which
-is not effective in the long run. Because â€œbadâ€ and â€œgoodâ€ are subjective
+is not effective in the long run. Because Ã¢â?¬Å?badÃ¢â?¬Â and Ã¢â?¬Å?goodÃ¢â?¬Â are subjective
 evaluations, this type of justice system leads to noncompliance, retaliation,
 and a lack of trust in its ability to serve people fairly.
@@ Line 167: / Line 168: @@
                people feel that they are being forced to do something, they feel resentment.
-)	Sometimes force may be necessary to stop a person or people who are doing    harm to others, but we would always want to use protective force rather than punitive force. Punitive force is when we treat others inhumanely because they did something â€œbad,â€ and we believe they deserve to be punished and that punishment will teach them to never do what they did again. Punitive force includes beating or torturing while they are incarcerated, withholding necessary physical or psychological support, belittling them for their actions or their position. With protective force, we would prevent them from harming others while giving them what they need to maintain their physical and psychological integry and creating a connection with them by empathizing with the needs that motivated their actions. Empathizing with the unmet needs that are motivating their actions leads to a connection that later allows for further education about how to get needs met in ways that are less harmful to others.
+)	Sometimes force may be necessary to stop a person or people who are doing    harm to others, but we would always want to use protective force rather than punitive force. Punitive force is when we treat others inhumanely because they did something Ã¢â?¬Å?bad,Ã¢â?¬Â and we believe they deserve to be punished and that punishment will teach them to never do what they did again. Punitive force includes beating or torturing while they are incarcerated, withholding necessary physical or psychological support, belittling them for their actions or their position. With protective force, we would prevent them from harming others while giving them what they need to maintain their physical and psychological integry and creating a connection with them by empathizing with the needs that motivated their actions. Empathizing with the unmet needs that are motivating their actions leads to a connection that later allows for further education about how to get needs met in ways that are less harmful to others.
 )  In order to be effective, rules need to be made by a consensus of all those who
@@ Line 201: / Line 202: @@
 )	 Empathy is more effective than colluding with another person for helping
         that person deal with what need has not been met. To collude, or to agree
-                 with that personâ€™s evaluation of another person, may give them a bit of
+                 with that personÃ¢â?¬â?¢s evaluation of another person, may give them a bit of
-                 comfort, but they usually wonâ€™t settle their issues and move on to more
+                 comfort, but they usually wonÃ¢â?¬â?¢t settle their issues and move on to more
                  pleasant feelings until they receive empathy.

← Older revision		Revision as of 20:53, 5 January 2007
Line 70:		Line 70:
	V. Vulnerability and appreciation are important in building connections between people.		V. Vulnerability and appreciation are important in building connections between people.
	: Differences between praise and appreciation, importance of expressing our Feelings and Needs		: Differences between praise and appreciation, importance of expressing our Feelings and Needs
		+
		+	NVC Assumptions
		+
		+	1) Our basic nature is cooperative and compassionate.
		+	(References: Mary Clark, In Search of Human Nature, J. Heath
		+	[from Marionâ€™s lecture on 11/3], Field of Primatology â€“ bonabo chimps, Frances
		+	Collins - National Human Genome Institute - Language of God)
		+
		+	2) Our desire to get our physical and psychological needs met is the basis for our
		+	actions.
		+	(References: Key Differentiations â€“ NVC Trainer Certification Package,
		+	Burton - Needs theory, Maslowâ€™s Hierarchy of Needs, Manfred
		+	Neef â€“ needs-based economy, Ghandi
		+
		+	3) Our emotions stem from our needs. When our needs are being met, we feel
		+	positive emotions, when our needs are not being met, we feel negative
		+	emotions.
		+	(References: Field of Nueroscience - Candace Pert - The Molecules of Emotion
		+	The Budhha, Thichnaht Hahn - Active Budhism â€“ Creating True Peace,
		+	Field of Cognitive Neuroscience - Michael Gazaniga - Split brain experiments,
		+	Coate & Roseti - The Power of Human Needs in World Society, Eisler, R.
		+	Tomorrows Children, The Chalice in the Blade â€“ partnership education.
		+
		+	4) Anger is a combination of a feeling or feelings mixed with a judgment of blameworthiness of others.
		+	(References: work around Carl Jungâ€™s work, Carl Rogers - A Way of Being)
		+
		+	5) Attributing blameworthiness to others is likely to lead us to withhold
		+	communication or resources from others, and/or initiate verbal or physical
		+	punishment against them.
		+
		+	6) Verbal and nonverbal negative affect is usually perceived as incompetent communication behavior. We are more likely to be seen as a competent communicator (effective + appropriate) when we express our feelings, explain how those feelings are connected to our needs, and then make clear requests of the person we want to meet our need. Therefore, it is important to increase awareness of oneâ€™s feelings and needs which can be facilitated by developing a literacy (vocabulary) about feelings and needs.
		+	(References: Daniel Goldman â€“ emotional flooding & physiological testing which might show that, + as we engage our neocortex, the physiology begins to change?
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	7) Our needs are never in conflict, but our strategies for getting our needs met are
		+	often in conflict. Needs are universal. Every human has the need for physical
		+	nurturance, physical and emotional safety, autonomy, self-expression (and more),
		+	but strategies derive from dispositional differences, different cultural norms, as
		+	well as differing conflict resolution styles.
		+
		+
		+	8) When people are able to understand one anotherâ€™s needs, compassion is likely to be stimulated, and then people are often motivated to help one another get needs met, even those needs which, at first, seem to be mutually exclusive or difficult to meet. On the other hand, when people hear criticisms or negative evaluations of their needs, they usually defend, reciprocate in kind, or distance themselves rather than try to meet the other personâ€™s needs.
		+
		+	9) Once people are able to understand what others are needing, even long standing
		+	conflict is likely to end quickly.
		+
		+	10) Evaluating othersâ€™ behavior either negatively or positively is an act of
		+	dehumanization. When we do not ask others what is going on in them,
		+	but instead we evaluate their behavior according to our standards, we
		+	are not in touch with their humanness. This often leads us to justify
		+	treating others unfairly, to give more to those we consider to be good,
		+	or to harm or punish others.
		+
		+	11) When people are meeting our needs, we tend to label them positively
		+	and/or evaluate their behavior as positive. When people are not meeting our
		+	needs, we tend to label them negatively and/or evaluate their behavior as
		+	negative.
		+
		+	12) When we evaluate others negatively, they usually deny our evaluation
		+	thus negative evaluation is not an effective tactic for educating people
		+	about how to do things differently, and often leads to conflict.
		+
		+	13) We are all trying to get out needs met, but communicating for the purpose of
		+	creating a connection with another person engenders more cooperation,
		+	compassion, and understanding than communicating with the sole purpose of
		+	getting oneâ€™s needs met. When people believe that our purpose for
		+	communicating with them is solely to create a connection with them, and that
		+	everyoneâ€™s needs matter, they are more likely to trust, disclose and cooperate,
		+	and our all of our needs are more likely to be met.
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	14) Moralistic judgments which evaluate actions or beliefs negatively (such as some
		+	people are â€œbadâ€) can lead us to believe that it is acceptable to dehumanize
		+	others by punishing them verbally or physically.
		+
		+	15) A concept of justice which includes the belief that people who are considered
		+	to be â€œbadâ€ deserve to be punished, and people who are considered to be
		+	â€œgoodâ€ deserve to be rewarded is a dehumanizing system of justice which
		+	is not effective in the long run. Because â€œbadâ€ and â€œgoodâ€ are subjective
		+	evaluations, this type of justice system leads to noncompliance, retaliation,
		+	and a lack of trust in its ability to serve people fairly.
		+
		+	16) Enforcers of cultural norms tend to believe that punishing people for not
		+	adhering to cultural norms educates them to adhere to cultural norms, but
		+	punishment is not effective because punishment used to deter behavior does not
		+	cause people to accept the norms but only to obey the norms publicly. Whenever
		+	people feel that they are being forced to do something, they feel resentment.
		+
		+	17) Sometimes force may be necessary to stop a person or people who are doing harm to others, but we would always want to use protective force rather than punitive force. Punitive force is when we treat others inhumanely because they did something â€œbad,â€ and we believe they deserve to be punished and that punishment will teach them to never do what they did again. Punitive force includes beating or torturing while they are incarcerated, withholding necessary physical or psychological support, belittling them for their actions or their position. With protective force, we would prevent them from harming others while giving them what they need to maintain their physical and psychological integry and creating a connection with them by empathizing with the needs that motivated their actions. Empathizing with the unmet needs that are motivating their actions leads to a connection that later allows for further education about how to get needs met in ways that are less harmful to others.
		+
		+	18) In order to be effective, rules need to be made by a consensus of all those who
		+	will be affected by those rules (even children).
		+
		+	19) Agreement or physical help that is given out of guilt, shame, or fear
		+	leads to resentment, and reduces the likelihood that further agreement or
		+	help will be given. This includes the agreement to follow rules. It also
		+	increases the probability of retaliation, and conflict or violence in the future.
		+
		+	20) Rewarding people for behaving in certain ways is an act of dehumanization.
		+
		+	21) People will respond to rewards until they realize that they are being
		+	manipulated to act in certain ways by those rewards, then they usually stop
		+	responding, and often feel resentful. This resentment often leads to retaliation
		+	against the person who used the rewards to manipulate their behavior.
		+
		+	22) Labeling people positively is less effective for creating a connection with
		+	another person than telling them what they did or said that met our need.
		+
		+	23) Do not give up on your needs, do not give in to others ideas, and do
		+	not compromise. Never rebel against or submit to another person.
		+	It is more effective to maintain the dialogue until one or both of you has
		+	genuine shift of belief or need.
		+
		+	24) Do not apologize to others. Instead, tell them how you feel about what
		+	is happening. When we allow others to convince us that we are the cause
		+	of their feelings, we get caught up in an ineffective cycle of guilt, shame,
		+	and blame. It is possible to regret that another person has been triggered or
		+	stimulated by something we said or did, without accepting blame for their
		+	for their feelings.
		+
		+	25) Empathy is more effective than colluding with another person for helping
		+	that person deal with what need has not been met. To collude, or to agree
		+	with that personâ€™s evaluation of another person, may give them a bit of
		+	comfort, but they usually wonâ€™t settle their issues and move on to more
		+	pleasant feelings until they receive empathy.