Evaluative words

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This list of feelings and needs are suggestions only; it’s neither complete nor definitive. It’s just an aid to translating words that are often confused with feelings. When these words are used to try to express to someone your feelings/emotions they do convey a sense of the emotions/feelings at play, but they also imply that someone is doing something to you and generally carry a message of wrongness or blame. (One interesting feature is that many of these mixed feeling/blame end with “..ed.”)

For example, if I say “I feel abused” you may hear this as “you abused me.” In contrast, words that express “pure” feelings can’t readily be heard that way: It’s hard to hear “I feel lonely” as “You lonelied me.”

   * Words mixing feeling & blame *Possible Authentic Feeling(s) *Possible basic need(s)

abandoned - terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely - Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring

abused - angry, frustrated, frightened - Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration. Need for all living things to flourish.

(not) accepted - upset, scared, lonely - inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect

attacked - scared, angry - safety

belittled - angry, frustrated, tense, distressed - respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation

betrayed - angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged - trust, dependability, honesty, honor ?? commitment, clarity,

blamed -angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt - Accountability, causality, fairness, justice

bullied - angry, scared, pressured - autonomy, choice, safety, consideration

caged/ boxed in - angry, scared, anxious - autonomy, choice, freedom

cheated - Resentful, hurt, angry - honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability

coerced - angry, frustrated, frightened, scared - choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely

cornered - angry, scared, anxious, - autonomy, freedom

criticized - in pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed- understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication

discounted/ diminished - hurt, angry, embarrassed, frustrated - need to matter, acknowledgment, inclusions, recognition, respect

disliked - sad, lonely, hurt - connection, appreciation, understanding acknowledgment, friendship, inclusion

distrusted - sad, frustrated - trust, honesty,

dumped on - angry, overwhelmed - respect, consideration

harassed - angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened - respect, space, consideration, peace

hassled - irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated - serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space

ignored - lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed - connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation

insulted - angry, embarrassed - respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition

interrupted - angry, frustrated, resentful, hurt - respect, to be heard, consideration

intimidated - Scared, anxiety - safety, equality, empowerment

invalidated - angry, hurt, resentful, - appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, recognition

invisible - sad, angry, lonely, scared - to be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community

isolated - lonely, afraid, scared - community, inclusion, belonging, contribution

left out - sad, lonely, anxious - inclusion, belonging, community, connection

let down - sad, disappointed, frightened - consistency, trust, dependability, consistency

manipulated - angry, scared, powerless, frustrated - autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness

mistrusted - sad, angry - trust

misunderstood - upset, angry, frustrated - to be heard, understanding, clarity

neglected - lonely, scared - connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration

overpowered - angry, impotent, helpless, confused - equality, justice, autonomy, freedom

overworked - angry, tired, frustrated - respect, consideration, rest, caring

patronized - angry, frustrated, resentful - recognition, equality, respect, mutuality

pressured - anxious, resentful, overwhelmed - Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration

provoked - angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful - respect, consideration,

put down - angry, sad, embarrassed - respect, acknowledgment, understanding

rejected - hurt, scared, angry, defiant - belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection

ripped off/ screwed - Anger, resentment, disappointment - consideration, justice, fairness, justice acknowledgement, trust

smothered/ suffocated - Frustrated, fear, desperation, - space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity. self expression

taken for granted - sad, angry, hurt, disappointment - appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration

threatened - scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant - Safety, autonomy

trampled - angry, frustrated, overwhelmed - empowerment, connection, community, being seen, consideration, equality, respect, acknowledgment

tricked - embarrassed, angry, resentful - integrity, trust, honesty

unappreciated - sad, angry, hurt, frustrated - appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, consideration

unheard - sad, hostile, frustrated - understanding, consideration, empathy

unloved - sad, bewildered, frustrated -love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community

unseen - sad, anxious, frustrated - acknowledgment, appreciation, be heard

unsupported - sad, hurt, resentful- support, understanding

unwanted - sad, anxious, frustrated - belonging, inclusion, caring

used - sad, angry, resentful- autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality

victimized - frightened, helpless - empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice

violated - sad, agitated, anxiety - privacy, safety, trust, space, respect

wronged - angry, hurt, resentful, irritated - respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness

Positive Judgments

Words like these, linguistically are called nominalisations(the doctrine that the various objects labeled by the same term have nothing in common but their name, pertaining to a noun or to a word group that functions as a noun; "nominal phrase"; "noun phrase").

They are usually verbs/adverbs or action words which have been made into nouns.To love. To act wisely.To show respect.

But unlike real nouns such as chair , lettice, shoes etc, you cannot touch them or see them

they stem from verbs/adverbs and are therefore actions , they also have meaning based on people's perception and experience. for example to be loving might mean give flowers to one person and to be loving to another might mean to give some one else space.

To give respect might mean to act on someones ideas and to give respect to someone else might mean see things from their point of view.

The many different interpretations of these types of words does, as you have observed, result in conflict, when defining the meaning and yet can also , paradoxically, bring harmony !...when clarity to the individuals' meaning is specifically defined.

Righted - happy, joy, pleasure - resepct, trust, saftey, fairness

Wanted - happy, confortable, calm - belonging, inclusion, caring